Set Your Man Free

When he told me “I feel free with you” I knew that he not only really loved me but he was also deeply happy with me.

How many men have you met that feel this way with their woman?

I have been a quiet observer of relationship dynamics for years and I can see so clearly how a woman who controls her man is ruining her own life and her relationship.

It breaks my heart when I witness a relationship where the woman is “the man” in the relationship and vice versa. The natural roles are completely reversed and while some women are indeed more equipped and happier to play the masculine role in their relationship — most women do not actually enjoy being the man in their relationships.

Even some of the most “successful” women in powerful positions want (or dream of) a strong man by their side whom they can rely on deeply trust and surrender to. Unfortunately, a lot of these women are not only bosses of their careers and businesses but also of their men and don’t know how to turn off the “lady boss” switch when they’re with their men.

And the sad reality is that these women then complain about “no good men around” — not realizing that a “good man” will not be attracted to a woman who wants to boss him around. He will not settle for that. He has matured into an adult man who doesn’t need parenting. He wants an equal feminine partner.

It seems like we do enjoy being the boss. It gives us power and control. We feel quite accomplished and falsely “fulfilled” and proud of ourselves when we keep saying:

— “I told you so.”

— “I was right.”

— “When are you going to learn to listen to your wife?”

It gives us a sense of false pride.

“I was right.

Again.”

But deep down we know that we have treated him like a child.

We need to stop parenting our men. We need to stop telling them what to do, making decisions for them, planning their career, their social interactions and future paths.

Set him free. Watch him fall and let him return victorious.

Only then you will have a man who you respect, deeply trust and can surrender to.

This is the most challenging path a woman who is used to control, self-discipline and management can take in a relationship. It’s easier to just do everything for him and for yourself (as well as others.) It makes you feel mighty but it takes away power from him and it takes the responsibility out of his hands and puts it back into yours.

When I woke up to this reality and what I was creating for myself, I realized that it’s fucking exhausting. (If you haven’t realized it yet, in a couple of years you will. Different women get this “message” in different forms.)

Chronic stress and exhaustion. Constant resentment and bitterness.

Your body will tell you: back pains, shoulder pains. Inability to relax and surrender. Failure to feel and receive pleasure. Feeling numb. All of this is coming for those women who won’t learn or don’t want to learn to let go.

Here is how you know you’re on this path of self-destruction and downfall of your relationship:

1. You’re trying to “arrange” a job for him.
2. You’re the main care-taker of the finances and the household at all times.
3. You’re the main decision maker of long-term plans, including where your relationship is going.
4. You find yourself telling him what to do more often than genuinely coming to him for advice.
5. He is “in trouble” more times than not.
6. He’s hiding things from you or lying.
7. He runs most of his decisions by you. Even the color of his underwear.
8. He would rather ask for permission than be sorry.
9. He tries to play it safe all the time. With his decisions, plans and life.
10. You keep comparing him to other men. (Or you’re often thinking about that other alpha-male guy.)

The disappointing as well as tricky thing is that your man will let you design this kind of a life for him and he will play by your rules simply because it is easier and less stressful for him.

Men are wired in a way that finding a path to less stress is what he actually values. If he can get to Point B in less time and less stress, that’s what he will choose.

“A man’s life is an escalator going down.”

— Mila Levchuk.

A man looks for the easiest route to the goal. He wants to relax at the end of his goal. He wants to reap the benefits of his achievement — whatever it might be. He wants to put the least amount of effort to get the best result. It’s the most logical and rational path.

“If it’s not broken, don’t fix it” is his life’s mantra.

Why work so hard if this specific result can be achieved faster by letting you, the woman, lead?

Of course, not all men will let you. If he is actively resisting you taking charge of his life — that’s a good sign. You’ve got a man on your side who is not willing to give up. Now you just need to let him.

What is the result he is looking for, you might ask?

Live a good, easy life and make you happy. That’s it. That is the secret to a man’s happiness.

Go ahead and ask any man around. He wants it easy. No stress. No drama. Doesn’t mean he’ll always get it. If only life and women could be that easy. Men have been trying to crack the woman code for centuries and they still don’t know what we want. To him it’s quite bizarre that we would rather stop at points C, D and F (for various reasons) to get to point B sometimes. It’s not that simple!

He wants to come home after a challenging day at work and just fucking relax. He doesn’t want to plan things, talk about things, listen to emotional storms, deal with all the drama of the world. He just wants to let his guard down and be left alone in peace.

A nice dinner, a beautiful woman, a smile.

I am not implying that our role as his woman is to provide all that for him. I am trying to illustrate a point of what he really wants and desires. Of course, it doesn’t really work this way most of the time. However, if it does work 50% of the time, he’ll take it.

Peace.

He just wants peace.

And if peace means letting you be the boss, he will do it. He will stop arguing, he will do what you tell him to do, just so that he can get some peace. Winning in arguments with you is not his priority. He did that all day at work. With you his priority is tranquility and happiness.

This is why he lets you arrange the job for him, make his decisions, do what you tell him to do.

If your man lets you do all this — he has given up.

I recently witnessed such a relationship dynamic. It’s quite heart-breaking to see a grown-up man protract his shoulders, let his chin down and have that sad puppy-look face knowing that he’s in trouble. Again.

He is tip-toeing around you more often than not. He has reached the point where he’s like “I’ll do whatever you want if that gives me peace.”

Do you want a man like this?!

I don’t. Because I won’t be happy.

There is nothing more devastating for a feminine woman to be with a man she doesn’t respect and is treating like a child. The critical and important point here is that your disrespect is shining through all layers of your relationships. Your children won’t respect him. Your friends won’t respect him. His colleagues and your colleagues won’t respect him.

He’s down at this point.

Don’t let him get there.

You can be a great muse and an ambitious motivation for his goals but not by telling him what to do and controlling his life.

The good news is that he can always climb back up. He has to do it on his own, though. (Because what you’ve been doing up until now brought him down so you can’t do the same thing and expect a different result.)

One of the biggest challenges we all have is letting others be free in their own will, desires and behaviors. This is mostly the result of our inability to let ourselves be free, trust and surrender to life and really enjoy and be at peace with what is.

Thus we try to control our men, our children and our own lives because it gives us stability, predictability and a false sense of power. This approach to life is bloody exhausting for any woman (although she might not even realize it) because we try to be everything to everyone.

We have not let others “off the hook” because we can’t let ourselves walk freely in our body and our self-expression. We don’t know where our boundaries are, we didn’t set them straight with others and thus, we are constantly crossing other people’s boundaries and letting them cross ours.

This constant tension is giving us lots of anxiety. Not letting us breathe and be in the flow. Not letting us ease and relax. We all have that one woman in our lives who’s constantly running to take care of things.

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Here are the two most important steps you can take today to let go of control and let him step up:

Step 1: Stop Being the Man.

1. Stop asking around whether anyone has a job for him and try to use “your contacts” to get him that sweet promotion spot. You can greatly contribute to his career or job success but not by actually doing the work for him. Let him figure it out without you and trust that he will.
2. Delegate the responsibility of finances and household to him. This will be tough if you have been managing all the money until now. Try an experiment. Let him spend money on what he thinks is important. Leave his money alone.
3. Stop making long-term plans, especially about marriage and serious relationship decisions. Stop talking about marriage all-together. The worst thing you can do to a man is force him into marriage. He will resent you for it your whole life. Release yourself from this unnecessary burden. If he hasn’t proposed yet and you’ve been waiting for a really long time, you need to make your decision, not him.
4. Replace telling him what to do with asking for his advice even if you don’t really trust it now. Practice saying “I don’t know” if he asks you what to do. Trust me, he will find a way or someone else he needs to consult. You’re not his career coach. You’re not his mother. You’re not his counselor. Release yourself from these roles. You don’t need to be involved in everything all the time.
5. Stop making him feel like he’s in trouble. He’s not a little boy that needs to be punished with your anger and disappointment. He’s not there to please you. Although he will do everything in his power to make you happy, it is not his responsibility. Learn to manage your emotions and lick your own wounds. Your partner is not your emotional tampon or your therapist (not my quote 🙂) Understand that your man can’t be everything to you. In fact, as John Gray says, he can only fulfill 10% of your emotional tank. Replace this resource of emotional support with other support systems. Your girlfriends, your mom, yourself. Learn to take care of your emotional and physical needs without him being the only one. That’s too much responsibility for anyone.
6. Stop criticizing him in front of other people. That includes your friends, your children and parents. Parenting him in front of others diminishes other people’s respect for him. Resolve your conflicts behind closed doors when no one is listening.
7. He’s hiding things from you because he tries to avoid trouble and arguments. Remember, he wants peace. What is he trying to avoid? Confrontation? Blame and scolding? Why is he hiding? Maybe he just needs permission from you to be free in his own space and time.
8. Give him space. Give him time without you. Let him do his “man things.” Let him have his cave. It’s important to him. He recharges by being alone and doing nothing (what seems to you like a mindless video game.) Let him have his grown up toys.
9. Stop criticizing his hobbies and his friends. Focus on the positive. Encourage the time he spends with Johnny who has great ambition. Understand that sports and “stupid” video games give him the release he desires — not talks with you.
10. Let him make his own decisions. Practice saying “Why don’t you decide by yourself? I trust that you will make the right decision. I’m late to a spa date with my girlfriends. BYE!” (Be ready he’ll make stupid mistakes. Don’t blame him. Just say nothing. He will realize his own mistakes.)
11. Let him take risks. He needs to live on the edge from time to time. He needs his testosterone running high. He needs to be out of his comfort zone. It’s scary, I know. What if you lose everything?! It’s okay. Let him take risks and fail. A man’s character is built up by challenge and failure. That’s how he learns. Not from you telling him to play it safe. Most successful men have failed multiple times. A woman who can support her man in his crazy ambitions (with limits, of course) is a wise woman. He will attribute his success to you.
12. Let him “invest” in you. A man values what he spends his time, energy and money into and with. If you can do everything by yourself and don’t really need him — he won’t see his value here. Why do you need him then? What is his contribution? Let him get involved in your work, your plans, give you expensive gifts, spend money on your health and beauty. Ask for what you need. Once he sees a positive ROI (you feeling rested and happy, looking great and in great mood) he will want to invest more.
13. Stop comparing him to other men and complaining about him or your relationship to your girlfriends. Replace this talk with something else.
14. LET HIM FAIL. Be prepared that he will fail. Don’t tell him “I told you so,” “I knew you can’t do it,” “Forget it. I’ll do it all by myself.”

Once you implement even half of these points, proceed to step 2.

Step 2: Replace the “Man Project” with the project of “YOU”

• Fill your free time with creative hobbies. Sign up for that painting or pottery class. Perhaps grown up women don’t do these things but you’ll have to give yourself permission to. Just do it. Do something creative with your hands. Your creative life is your doorway to a deeper connection with yourself and your femininity.
• Dance. Not clubs but more like sacred dance and feminine dance activities, although a club would serve as release too. Move those hips freely. Find some classes of feminine movements. Taking a pole dance class is a brilliant idea to get you started. Belly dance, African dance and salsa/bachata is a great activity to get you in the flow of moving those hips and releasing the tension that’s been stored and frozen for so many years.

• Fitness. Take care of your body. Sweat and release. Get some cardio and yoga in, get some sweat out. Make it a daily habit to take care of your body.
• Nutrition. Research and study your own body and get your nutrition in order.
• Self-development. The path to a healthy relationship with a man is through your own self-development and establishing a healthy relationship with yourself. Get that book, sign up for that seminar, get yourself a coach. Start listening to an awesome podcast like Girlskill 🙂 Watch my free training on The Lie of Female Success & How to Get Unstuck here >>>
• Pleasure. Start discovering your own sensitivity and sensuality. When was the last time you gave yourself a bath with some silky luxury salts? How about some self yoni-massage? Or an expensive trip to the salon? Arrange a boudoir sexy shoot and watch what happens to your man when he sees the photos. (Best idea ever is to send him the photos via mail to work 😈)
• Practice asking for help from men. All men, any men. Watch the light up when they feel needed. Watch them become the heroes of your life.
• Prepare to appear weak and vulnerable. It will be most challenging. Understand that showing your vulnerability is not weakness. Femininity is not weakness. Expressing your emotions is not weakness. Taking a day off work on the first day of your cycle when everything hurts and you’re bleeding is not weakness. Telling him how you feel and that you’re hurt is not weakness. It’s you being a woman and embracing the full spectrum of your feminine depth. Quit hiding. You’re not too much. Those who tell you you’re too much need to be said good-bye and parted with.
• Get really interested in yourself and your own life. Put yourself first. No, it’s not selfish. It’s how people should operate.
• Set your own boundaries and keep them. Don’t let other people take advantage of your time, your agreeableness. Don’t let your husband, your children or anyone else walk all over your needs. Take care of your needs first, then help others.
• Go on a trip with girlfriends. Establish and invest in healthy, deep relationships with other women. Not the girlfriend who always makes you feel small and unworthy. And not the colleague that constantly complains about how much of an asshole her man is. Think about what kind of life you want to live and how you want to feel. Align yourself and get close to women who live that life already or want the same thing. This support system is extremely important and will hold you sane when things get tough and unstable.
• Work on your relationship with money. Understand that anyone has the capacity and the ability to earn as much as they need or want. It’s all about rewiring our beliefs about money and what they do for us.
• Take radical personal responsibility for your life. Stop blaming the patriarchy, white men, your mother or anyone else for not giving you what you deserve. If you think you deserve it, you will get it. There is nothing stopping you from living your best life besides you.
• Work with a stylist. Most of us would think this is an unnecessary expense but miracles happen when you find and work with your color tone, get a haircut that suits you, start wearing makeup that actually makes you look more attractive and start buying less clothes. Watch your wardrobe transform with pieces that you actually wear.
• Study relationships, the masculine journey and the concept of polarity. This is key to any relationship success. You need to understand what is really important to him, how he operates and how to set him free.
• Work on your femininity. Explore and embrace your feminine essence. Things will flow into your life. Your cycle with align with the moon. You will bloom and blossom. Your relationships will improve drastically and, most importantly, your man won’t recognize you.

Word of caution: this transformation is so powerful that it could be dangerous.

There are two outcomes here: either your relationship flourishes or it will actually dissolve. Your man will either stand up to the challenge or he will stand down. Be ready for this. He had settled for who you were before and might not be ready for this change and transformation. He might not want it. He might not be ready for it. That’s okay. Decide for yourself how bad you want it.

For me things have ended in a break-up. I am not suggesting or implying that your story will end up the same. It might.

After the breakup, I went on to develop and transform in unimaginable ways. From a caterpillar a butterfly was born. This butterfly attracted a masculine man and a thriving relationship. This butterfly is now pregnant with another butterfly (it’s cooking in my womb as we speak) who will be soon born, spread her wings and fly high.