A woman in my Claimed client community (let’s call her Jane) recently raised a juicy subject that I think is important for us to talk more about. So I decided to record a special episode to address her question.
(Listen to the full episode for more great Q&As around this topic from listeners who tuned into the live recording. )
Here’s what Jane asks:
“I’m dating this guy. He’s a great guy and he would do anything for me. But I don’t feel like I’m in love with him. My friends say that he’s amazing and I’d be foolish to end this.”
To Jane, and to every woman who finds themselves in this situation, I suggest asking yourself these questions:
1. How does it feel?
I have another client who says that she’s seeing this guy who’s extremely spiritual and talks about his feelings a lot and she’s not sure whether she should continue.
When I asked her this question in our group coaching call, she said something like, “Well, I think it’s great that he’s in touch with his feelings, but something isn’t right.
I’m questioning whether this is a good dynamic because I don’t want to fall back into my previous pattern of being with a man who is totally in his feelings and I’m ‘wearing the pants’ and that doesn’t feel good.”
This leads me to my next question…
2.Are you attracted to this man?
Usually, once we’ve identified how it feels, this is an easy one to answer.
No? Okay, next question…
3. Who’s holding more space for who?
Do you feel like you can completely trust this man? You can completely break down, and let him take care of you and himself when the sh*t hits the fan and things go down?
My sense is that your answer would also be no here.
When you know that:
1. This doesn’t feel good to you
2. You’re not attracted to this man &
3. You can’t completely trust him, let go of control, and just let him lead…
Then you know that you’re in the driver’s seat.
The polarity is reversed. You are in your masculine and he’s in his feminine.
Of course, there are a lot of questions and “grey areas” around these labels, but remember, they’re just labels.
What matters most is what you feel in your body.
Most women identify with a feminine essence which means we want to surrender.
We want to let go. We want to be taken. Ravished. And taken care of. By a masculine man.
So, when we are with a “nice guy,” we basically know that we can pretty much walk all over him… one way or another at one point or another.
And so if you do not stop or reverse this dynamic from the beginning, you might end up being in a long-term relationship, maybe even married.
I have a lot of clients who’ve been married to these men. And walked all over them. Told them what to do. Had children with them. And, look, every situation is different, but at the end of the day, that’s not fulfilling. You’re not going to be attracted to your man. You’re not going to respect him. You’re not going to trust him.
As feminine essence women, we have a deep need to feel safe. We have a deep need to let go of control and be taken care of.
So, that’s basically your answer. And it’s very simple.
But, I also know how easy it is to fall into because I have been in a long-term relationship myself with a man who is feminine.
And when I talk about “feminine men,” what I mean is men who are sitting on the feminine end of the polarity spectrum,energetically speaking.
Like magnetic poles, the opposite ends of the spectrum attract one another.
The more you are in your feminine as a woman, the more you attract masculine men. And the reverse is true.
If you are a woman who is very much in her masculine power, making all the decisions, leading the relationship forward you’re going to be attracting “feminine men.”
In other words, men who are in their feminine energy at that point in time. And that’s not to say they are necessarily feminine in their essence.
Many modern women who are strong, successful, and independent have lived most of their lives in their masculine energy, so “getting into their feminine” or working on their “womanhood” feels unfamiliar to them.
The same is true for many modern men who haven’t been given the space to be in their masculine in a healthy way.
And if you’re a woman who truly identifies with a masculine essence or a man who truly identifies with a feminine essence…
If this feels good to you in your life and in your body then there’s no problem. You should probably stop listening or reading right now.
But, the women I’m speaking to are the ones who are just exhausted. Exhausted from not only being in the driver’s seat in their own lives and careers, and doing the driving for the men in their lives as well.
The same is true for men who truly identify with a masculine essence. Being mostly in their feminine doesn’t feel good in their bodies.
But it’s become “the norm” for so many men. Many have grown up being told what to do by strong mothers, without having an equally strong male role model around. They feel lost when it comes to the dynamics these days with women.
Do I open the door? Will she be insulted if I do? What is even going on anymore?
It’s easier to just let a woman lead in this scenario.
However, as women, if we understand this and are clear on the polarity dynamic that we want, we can set our boundaries and communicate that to a man.
We can lean back and allow him the space to step forward and step up.
As nice as it might sound to have a man who “would do anything for you,” this is not actually what we crave as feminine essence women.
It’s not attractive.
Because a masculine man’s priority is not his woman. It’s his mission. His purpose. And when you feel that as a feminine essence woman, that he is unwavering, that he is going to stay on course no matter what you say.
In David Deida’s book, The Way of The Superior Man (which I send to all my clients), he talks about this example where there’s a war. And the men are the ones going to war, to protect and provide (which is still true most of the time).
So, there’s this moment where there is a couple and the woman wants him to stay.
Well, obviously, because she loves him and because there is fear of death.
Sending your man to war is probably one of the hardest things to do in life because you know that this might be the last time you see him. So, she wants him to stay. But she also wants him to go. Because if he stays then he has succumbed to her desire to be with him, and she’s not going to respect him for it.
But when he goes and he says, “I will be back. And I’m going because I’m protecting you and I’m protecting my country and I’m protecting the values I believe in…”
That is a man that you will respect all your life. Because he has a mission. He is on purpose. He is willing to sacrifice his life to protect you and your children. As heartbreaking as that is, you’re going to respect this man more than the man who stays with you and hides.
Long-term, you don’t want to be with a man who you don’t respect.
And I‘ve been there, in a relationship with an amazing man who would do anything for me. When broke up with him, people around me were devastated. My auntie said, “What did you do?!” They thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life.
But I knew. I didn’t respect this man. I was telling him what to do. I was driving things forward. Deep down inside, I knew that this was never going to work.
By the way, the same thing applies to us as women.
As feminine essence women, our intuitive first priority is relationships, connection, community. But you always come first.
You might love your man. You might be devoted to him. But your sovereignty and well-being are what come first.
So, get clear on your boundaries. Understand what is your “yes” and what is your “no.” Ask yourself:
What am I available for? What feels good? What doesn’t feel good?
You already have the answer. Now, you just need to do the work…